My writings, blogs, travel post, ranch happenings, and delicious food posts don’t include negativity or negative connotations. I’m always upbeat and I tell jokes. I live, laugh, love, eat, drink, and travel to the best of life. However, I felt it necessary to write about a dark topic; suicide, death, my mother, and Anthony Bourdain.
This subject is close to my heart. The day I saw the news about Anthony Bourdain taking his own life, it had me thinking deeply.
When I read Bourdain took his own life I hopefully believed it was “fake news” or a prank. I spent an hour researching the event and came to the
realization that is was true… and I just couldn’t believe it.
I have never met him, and I do not know him on a personal level. I watched his shows and loved the level of honesty about travels, cooking, people, kitchens, and political views. Throughout my research about Bourdain’s life, I found that he has stated his suicidal thoughts before, and has wrestled with demons his entire life. I felt an empty space in my heart for the way he must have felt for years.
There are a lot of parallels between Bourdain and my wonderful mom, Carol.
My mother Carol Cartwright Chapman was lively and an honest woman with a compassionate heart the size of Texas. She was so lovely that people would stop just to stare at her beauty and talk to the incredible woman with the big smile. I know folks say this all the time but it was true EVERYONE LOVED her, and if you didn’t, it’s because you never had a chance to talk with her.
Carol loved to help people, in fact, I think she wore a permanent candy striper uniform because she volunteered at the children’s hospital so often. Traveling made her so happy. She adored to tell stories, have great grand meals, loved cocktails, and enjoyed parties.
I believe it is important to be transparent about these issues because someone else out there might be able to relate.
Just like Bourdain, she had demons that ate her up daily. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think she drank and did drugs for the same reasons Bourdain did the same things. He has been honest about these issues in interviews. My mother Carol would regularly say to me, “Trey, if something happens to me don’t spend all the money and take care of yourself!” I would always say, “Mom WTF are you talking about? You’re incredibly beautiful, everyone loves you, and you live a charmed life. Nothing will happen to you, ever!” She would smile and tell me, “You just never know Trey.”
Today, and every day, I say to myself, what the f@#k was I thinking? Why did I not see the signs? They were there all along every time she told me that. After her death, I found out she tried to commit suicide two times before and she wasn’t successful. She had been taken to the hospital and no one told me. You don’t think I didn’t feel like someone hit me in the head with a steel pipe?
At first, you go through the angry stage, the “Why?” stage, then the forgiving stage, then back to the “Why” stage. You end up staying at this stage. It’s something that will eat at your daily thoughts because you want to know the answer to the questions; Why did she do it? Why didn’t she ask for help? The same thoughts came up when I heard that Bourdain had committed suicide.
The answer to that question is… they don’t even know what’s wrong. I’m pretty confident that no one really knows why they do it, and especially the ones committing suicide!
I am sure people never thought Anthony Bourdain would do this. He seemed happy, he was successful, rich. He was traveling and eating around the world on an extremely successful television show and won some of the biggest awards and worldwide accolades.
I’m telling you RIGHT NOW none of that MATTERS. It doesn’t make a damn what you have, where you’re going, where you’ve been, how many homes you have, and or whatever materials you possess. All that matters is you’re fighting those demons like a mother f$#ker every day. I saw it with my mom after I had time to contemplate and back over the years.
The signs where there, but I just didn’t see at that point. I just couldn’t see it. I think my stupidity, self-confidence, and arrogance wouldn’t let me see it. Sometimes, I wish I had just paid attention a bit more.
My mom told me all the time, “Trey, be yourself if they don’t like you… Too bad. Live life for you every day because you never know when you’re going to die.”
This is why I laugh a lot, tell jokes, I’m loud a lot, say what I want, do what I want and try to live every day like it’s my last f%@king day on earth.
My heart bleeds for my mother Carol, Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, Marty Richter, David Bentley, Trey Watt, Colton McBride, and all the many others who fight this battle and wrestle with those demons.
Love each one of you, and I hope all your dreams come true. Live a healthy, and happy life. Stay true to yourself and do you boo! Self-happiness is the key to a long life. Don’t let the haters, trash talkers, wanna be, and jealous folks rule your thoughts. Kick them to the curb and do you boo.